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Do You Really Want to Know

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic by Friendly Uncle

To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

I received your latest correspondence with enthusiasm and greatly enjoyed reading of your most recent adventure.  I am pleased to know that Pinkie Pie has learned an important lesson about trusting friends, and hope that you and the rest of her friends will try to be a bit more discreet next time you attempt to keep secrets from a fourth dimensional pony.  Know that your letters are a source of constant delight to me and that I always look forward to hearing from you.

That being said, as much as I encourage you to share your innermost thoughts and feelings, I would have thought that you understood that you don't need to share everything.  Don't you feel the last section of your previous letter was perhaps a bit graphic?  I am always ready to provide you with advice and to address any concerns you might have for me, but there are details of your life, particularly those that occur between you and other ponies behind closed doors, that I really don't need to know.  And frankly the sketches were a bit much.

Nonetheless I hope your research continues apace and that you continue to provide such well thought out and professionally written reports.  Just perhaps a bit less comprehensive next time, hm?

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thank you for your kind words and for the instruction, as you well know I am always anxious and willing to learn, and I shall think carefully on the lesson you are attempting to teach me.

However, I must admit to some confusion regarding the contents of your last scroll.  It is possible that I am misunderstanding you, but I did not think that anything that I sent you in my previous letter was at all untowards, much less graphic.  Perhaps you did not understand what I was attempting to say?  All that happened between my friends and I was the sort of activities that typically occur at a young mares' party.  Maybe it's been a little too long since you attended one?  I think Pinkie Pie can arrange to fix this, and we will do our best not to include anything that offends your sensibilities.

I don't recall including any sketches, though.  Has Spike been adding doodles to my letters when I'm not looking?  I'll have to do something about that.  I do apologize for the confusion.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

To my very cheeky student Twilight Sparkle,

I think perhaps your study into the magic of friendship has done you more good than I thought!  I never thought I'd see the day when my faithful student started making cracks about my age.  Luna suggests that I have you spanked for it, but I believe I'll let it slide for now.  She's a bit of a naughty pony anyway, and I'd rather not encourage her.

It has been a while since I've attended an event so informal as a birthday party, but I think I remember something about a conga line that didn't involve inserting one's horn into some very intimate places.  I am happy to learn that you've discovered the joys of young love Twilight Sparkle, and pleased that it has apparently loosened you up a bit, but the exact details of how you express that affection for your lovers is rather too much information even in this progressive age we live in.  You may feel comfortable talking amongst your friends about such activities, but indulge me when I ask that you observe a somewhat higher level of decorum in official letters.  You're usually much better about that sort of thing, so I'm willing to chalk up this singular lapse to a bit too much enthusiasm about your new discoveries.

Morover, I must insist you refrain from using Spike to transcribe such racy notes.  If it was in fact him adding those sketches to your letter then he is learning entirely too much about equine anatomy for his tender age.  You are charged with his upbringing, so I'll caution you not to teach him so much about the birds and the bees so soon.  It really is not appropriate.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

I must admit that I am now utterly confused.  When I read your previous letter I assumed that you were making some manner of joke and responded in kind.  However your latest correspondence has me completely baffled.  I have not made any recent "discoveries" in the field of love, young or otherwise, and I can assure you that my horn has not been anywhere near anypony's intimate places.  Further, I can guarantee you that even if I had, and even if I felt the need to inform your majesty (and I would like to state for the record that I would no more describe the details of my “intimate encounters” to you than I would my own parents, and for similar reasons) that I would absolutely leave Spike entirely out of it.  He spends enough time staring at Rarity's haunches as it is...

Wait, this is still a joke, isn't it?  Princess Celestia are you playing a prank on me?  Or is this Luna?  Oh well done, you really had me going for a while there.  I was starting to worry that I'd actually included something unintentionally racy in one of my previous letters.  Oh well, I'm sure there was never any chance of that, I don't know enough about being intimate with other ponies to write about such a thing even if I felt compelled to.

That was all very funny, I'm sure my friends will get a kick out of it, especially Pinkie Pie.  She loves a good prank, and I'm sure she'll help me when I get you back.

Your heartily amused student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

Oh for the love of all that is holy, do not invoke the wrath of Pinkie Pie upon me.  In any case, if there is a prank being played here then we are both its victims, for every letter I have written you was entirely in earnest.  The scroll you sent me regarding Pinkie's birthday party included an extremely graphic and erotic description of the evening's activities between yourself and several of your friends.  It is now apparent that you didn't include this piece of fiction, but that leaves the rather troubling question of who did.  I do hope that it wasn't Spike, he really shouldn't have any idea what any of these things mean.  I also asked Luna if she had anything to do with it, to which she responded "I wish!"

I have included the original scroll with this letter and return it to you in the hopes that you will be able to discern its meaning and discover where it came from.  If somepony did somehow manage to include this item with your scroll as a sort of prank then they are to be commended for their ingenuity, but they clearly have a rather sick mind.  Counseling might be in order.

...Luna won't stop laughing.  I don't know what I'm going to do about that filly.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

You'll be pleased to learn that I have discovered the source of our mysterious erotica.  A few weeks ago my friend Fluttershy borrowed a few books from the library, and when she returned them to me she accidentally included a journal that she has been writing.  She's been looking for it the entire time, and was very happy to get it back.  As it turns out, a page came out of the book and got mixed up with my notes, and was eventually sent to you by accident along with one of my reports on the magic of friendship.  I'm terribly sorry for the mistake, and Fluttershy is as well.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

Dear Twilight,

 Why, for the love of me, does Fluttershy's journal contain a fictionalized account of you and her and the rest of your friends all having sex in Applejack's barn?  WITH PICTURES?

-Princess Celestia

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

I... didn't ask.

Do we really want to know?

-Twilight Sparkle

-

To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

I have thought long and hard on your last letter and come to the conclusion that you are displaying wisdom far beyond your years, and that no, no I really do not want to know.

Do some more research on friendship or magic or something, and let's just forget that any of this ever happened.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

-

Dear Twilight,

 I DO!

-Luna

-The End

(Until Part 2!)

Archive

Do You Really Want to Know Two: Electric Boogaloo

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic by Friendly Uncle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that while we often consider it to be a simple courtesy, knocking before you enter a room is really vitally important.  Also, if you do open a door to find two of your friends engaging in some very alternative research into the magic of friendship, running away and screaming for help because you think one of your friends is assaulting the other one with a riding crop is perhaps not the best course of action.  We managed to explain to Applejack what was going on eventually, but she still won't let any of us leave her alone with Fluttershy for any length of time.  On the plus side, now we know why Rainbow Dash has been getting hurt so much lately, and why she won't stop smiling all the time.

Oh yes, and I have to thank you very much for your gift!  The package arrived today and I have rarely been so excited!  Just a cursory glance through the books you've sent me revealed tomes hundreds of years old.  I can't wait to dig in and see what I can learn from these precious volumes.  Rest assured that I will keep you updated on my studies and if I make any new discoveries regarding either the magic of friendship or magic itself you will be the first pony to know of it.  Thank you again!

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

Oh dear, poor Applejack!  I must confess, I know how she feels.  Why, only the other day I forgot to knock before entering my sister's room only to find her and her servant Sund...

                                                       LIES ALL LIES!!!

    So sorry about that, Luna happened to be reading over my shoulder and apparently she doesn't want just anypony to know the details of what she gets up to in her spare time.

Yes Luna I am writing down everything exactly the way I'm saying it.  No I'm not going to use a fresh scroll.  No I am not going to invite Twilight to join y-

                                                          And...              thEn...             th ey...         all... F~

Alright she's gone now.  We have certainly all learned a very valuable lesson today, although if I were you I might discreetly slip one of your friends the scroll I am including with this letter, which details a number of basic techniques for minimizing and hiding whip marks.  They might find it useful.  How is Fluttershy by the way?  Luna has been an avid fan of her work, and we were both curious to know how she reacted to the discovery that we'd read her story.  I've included a copy with a few corrections regarding anatomy and grammar that I felt would improve the narrative.  Luna provided the additional illustrations, though I've left a few of them out because nopony needs to see that.

I have to admit though, I don't really know what you mean regarding the package of books?  I haven't sent you any mail recently except via Spike, and I'm sure I would remember sending a box with a number of old books inside.  Perhaps they were your books that were left behind at Canterlot that were sent to you belatedly?  Strange.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

That is very strange.  The crate arrived yesterday via pegasus post, and it bears the royal seal and a note signed by you, telling me to enjoy the contents.  It's a pretty big box too, nine hands on a side, and it contains fifty-six books, some of them rather large.  I'm sure it simply slipped your mind, considering all the work you have to do on a daily basis.  I'd forget things too if I had half as much to remember.

Anyway, Fluttershy appreciated the scroll.  She was apparently very embarassed that Rainbow Dash has been going around showing off the marks to anypony that will look.  She also appreciates your critique of her work, though she says that what we read was just a first draft.  Fluttershy claims her writing is just a hobby, but with all of the animals she takes care of I know she's got to be bringing in more money than the stipend she receives as Ponyville's animal service worker.  I've been going through the library's romance section to see if any of the authors' writing styles are familiar, but I haven't found anything yet.  I will continue searching tirelessly, however.  Uh, for science.

And for the record, when I told her that you and Luna had found her story and assumed it was from me, she turned as red as an apple and opened her mouth really wide, to the point that I thought she was hyperventilating until Spike came downstairs and asked what that "infernal screaming" was.  Apparently dragons can hear at much higher frequencies than ponies can.  Pinkie Pie managed to snap her out of it by sticking her tongue in Fluttershy's ear and after some tea and bunny rabbits she was alright, but if you or Luna ever happen to find yourselves in Ponyville and see a yellow and pink streak heading in the opposite direction that's why.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

I will take that into consideration the next time I visit.  Maybe I'll bring Phillomena with me to coax her out of hiding?  It might be a good idea to keep Fluttershy and Luna apart for a little while though.  Luna's gotten some very... odd ideas about your friends, and she's been making some questionable purchases lately.  I'm sure Fluttershy would look lovely in the corset, but...

In any case, I'm afraid I really have no idea where that box could have come from.  Well, obviously from me if my seal is on it, but... well I really don't remember sending anything.  I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.  I've asked a number of the guards and servants but none of them seem to remember sending it either, so it's probably...            not         just        me...

Oh dear, I think I drifted off for a moment there.  I don't mind admitting this is really starting to bug me.  Either I've completely blanked out sending a crate through the mail (of all things to forget) or somepony is impersonating me.  I'm not sure which possibility is more worrisome.  What books were included in the package?  I have been setting a few aside to send to you, but never thought I'd actually gotten around to doing so.  Perhaps we can glean a few clues from the contents of the box.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

I don't wish to second guess your majesty's decisions, but are you entirely sure you're taking this seriously enough?  If somepony is impersonating you then this is possibly a major security breach.  I mean, obviously whoever is responsible is not being terribly intelligent about it if they're using your seal to send packages to a pony that is in frequent contact with you and would quickly discover if something was wrong, but using your seal and signature to give fake legitimacy to a document is potentially very dangerous in the wrong hooves.  Were I in your situation I would be taking a close look at the security measures in place.

As for the possibility that you've simply forgotten... oh Celestia, I can't imagine what anypony would do if... wait, no, Spike, don't write that part.  Well scratch it out!

Okay, the books that were sent to me are mostly books on magic or ancient history, most of them fairly old themselves.  Many of them were written by authors I've never heard of before, and a few were written by your majesty.  I'm in the middle of a tome detailing the progress of the Ponic Wars at the moment, and it seems to have been written by a pony that witnessed the conflict first hoof, which would mark the original edition of the book as being at least eight centuries old.  I've already finished a grimoire entitled The Equestrian Arcanum which seemed to list every individual spell known to have been performed by magic, unicorn or otherwise, within the existing body of Equestrian myth.  Not very useful for practical applications but invaluable in directing my research.  Really, I have to wonder if perhaps you had arranged for these books to be sent to me and one of your servants undertook the task without telling you that it had been done?  It seems possible.

If that's not it, I feel the need to ask, is this the only thing you've found yourself forgetting?  If there are other gaps in your memory then this might be a... a systemic problem of some kind... oh Spike, what are we going to do?  If Princess Celestia is going senile then... WHY ARE YOU STILL WRITING THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH-

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am terribly sorry about that last scroll.  I was working on a rough draft with Spike and he became agitated and accidentally flamed it before it was done.

Please don't be angry, I'm just worried.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

To My Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

It's alright.  I understand your concerns, and please believe that I share them.  However as near as I have been able to determine this mysterious crate is the only anomaly in my memory, so I don't think that I am suffering any kind of dementia.  I am sure that my servants or guards would have mentioned any anomalous behavior.

I mean, there was that one time I greased myself up with butter and slid around on the floor of the ballroom singing "Come Sail Away," but last I checked drinking five bottles of vodka doesn't count as going senile.

... come to think of it, that might explain the crate too.  I don't usually mail things when I get hammered, but stranger things have happened....

Regardless, you may rest assured that I am taking all appropriate measures to ensure that there has not been a security breach within Canterlot, and I am confident that my agents will discover any wrongdoing.  We will get to the bottom of whatever is going on here, and I imagine it will probably seem amusing in retrospect.

In the meantime, why don't you continue your studies?  If I recall correctly, the book you are currently reading is a memoir by Colto the Elder.  I would take his judgements on the wars with a grain of salt, considering he is the statestallion who urged for them to continue.  The conflict as a whole was a sad and terrible thing, but may have been much less painful for all involved without his sabre rattling.  Nonetheless he does paint a detailed picture of what the wars were like.  Does the crate contain any tomes by Ponysephus?  He lived at a much later time but researched his subjects thoroughly and generally had a much more neutral perspective.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I've learned that when you're concerned about somepony that you care for deeply it can be counterproductive to hide your fears from them.  If you are worried about your friend you should openly and honestly admit to them that you care about their well being, and work towards a solution together.  Also, if your friend tells you not to worry, then barring evidence to the contrary it is best to believe them when they tell you they're alright.

The crate does contain a number of books by Ponysephus, but at the moment I'm most interested in a book I found at the bottom that appears to have a lock on it.  I'm confident I can open it though, I have a lot of spells for that.  The title is in Old Equuish, but I believe it translates as "Pony Sutra, the Art of Friendship."  As you can imagine, I am quite excited!  Ancient research into the magic of friendship could shed so much light on my own findings and on the differences in the ways ponies have viewed friendship throughout the ages!  I'm going to bed early tonight so I'll be able to get up bright and early and crack this sucker open.  I will be sure to inform you of my findings.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

That is possibly the sweetest letter you've yet written to me Twilight, and it makes me very happy to know I have helped you in your research.  The book you've discovered sounds quite interesting, though I don't kno-

Actually, now that I think about it I do know what book you have and I am going to respectfully suggest that you don't read it Twilight.  In fact I think you ought to send it back to me via Spike at the earliest available opportunity.  There are some forms of friendship that I think are possibly too advanced for a scholar of your tender years.  I do hope you understand.

Princess Celestia

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am very sorry, but your last letter was a little too late.  As it turns out, I think I may have slightly mistranslated the title.

The illustrations weren't drawn from life, where they?  I mean, the artist just took a few liberties and used your image because of your role as a fertility goddess, right?

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

Twilight Sparkle,

You may find this somewhat difficult to entirely understand, but in the age when this book was written it was actually considered very prestigious for a young mare to pose for such a tome.  And the stallions I was posing with were... very handsome.  And generous.  And very nearly inexhaustible.

Alcohol may have been involved.

Given that you haven't sent the book back, I presume you are continuing to study it.  I suppose it was about time anyway.  Just be careful about practicing what you learn.  Many of the positions in the latter half of the book should not be attempted by amateurs under any circumstances.

Princess Celestia

-

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm sorry, I would have sent the book back, but I'm afraid my curiosity got the best of me.  It has been very informative.

I think I might have also solved the mystery of how I came into possession of this crate.  Directly underneath the Pony Sutra I found a large indigo feather that I have identified as belonging to a pegasus pony of unusual stature, and containing traces of unusually potent magic.  Magic such as one might suspect to find on the wing of a pony who was also a unicorn.

I leave it to your infinite wisdom to decide what must be done with this information.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

-

Dear Twilight,

Hello!  This is Princess Luna.  I was writing to ask if perhaps I could stay with you for a few days?  My sister is in a bit of a mood at the moment and I thought perhaps I should give her some time to herself.  I'll just go on ahead and come over tonight and you know what there's no reason to make up a guest bed for me or anything I'm just going to hide under yours.  Please don't tell Celestia I sent you this or where I am she can be a little overprotective sometimes and I'd just like to get her out of my mane for a bit, I'm sure you know how it is.

-Luna

-

Twilight,

Have you seen Luna?  I can't find her anywhere lately, and I am getting a bit worried.  I have something very important to discuss with her regarding sending pornography with me in it to my students and then afterwards I thought I might just SEND HER BACK TO THE FUCKING MOON!!!

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia

-The End

(For now?)

Archive

Friendly Uncle’s MLP:FiM FanFic List

***

Version:        1.4

Updated:        Sunday, July 3rd, 2012

New:                The Creature that Came to Ponyville is at long last complete, clocking in at 9 chapters and good lord I’m tired. I’ve also added a comedy short entitled “Estrus.” Expect that sequel to Correspondence sometimes in the next few months.

***

“Look out fellas, Gay Boy and Friendly Uncle comin’ at ya.”

I am in fact an uncle and generally consider myself to be quite friendly.  I mostly write comedy and random weirdness, but I cannot deny that writing stories about multicolored ponies giving each other hugs and coming to terms with their feelings makes me happy for reasons that I am not psychologically secure enough to go into.  I’m also currently writing a fanfic that involves ponies being attacked by facehuggers, so there’s really no telling what I might get up to in the future.  We’re all going to find out together.

Aside from here my fics can usually be found on Equestria Daily.  After hearing some complaints about Google Docs as a mass fiction sharing service I’ve also dusted off a Fanfiction.net account so old that it borders on the geological, and will be uploading stories there for all and sundry to read and tell me how much they smell (please ignore the really old stuff oh god I was still in high school when I did some of this crap it burns).  I can also be found lurking on /co/.  I enjoy mixed drinks and long walks on the beach.

I have a tumblr if you’d like to ask what is wrong with me.

If you wish to email me, it would be alright.

***

Warning: The following stories tend to rely on humor of a decidedly adult nature. I rarely write out and out porn, but the jokes and situations in my fics do tend to get a bit extreme and they are neither appropriate for young children nor safe to browse while at your place of employment. Proceed with all due caution!

***

FanFiction.net account:

Friendly Uncle

FiMFiction:

Friendly Uncle

***

Normal

Clean (Google Docs/EqD Link)

[Random] Pinkie Pie ponders one of the great secrets of the pony universe.  For everyone who didn’t get it: That’s the joke.

Moon Shy (Google Docs/EqD Link)

[Sad/Cute] Two of the quieter ponies have a short talk about the importance of expressing themselves.  May or may not evolve into something shippier in the future.  I like that Fluttershy and Luna can just sit and talk, but they are also mind-bendingly cute together.  Decisions decisions...

Messin’ With Celestia (Google Docs/EqD Link)

[Random/Funny] Third place winner in Equestria Daily’s April Fools contest.  Princess Celestia has the worst day ever.  Also, Pinkie Pie.

The Creature that Came to Ponyville (EqD Link)

[Crossover/Grimdark] An unfortunate mary sue discovers a strange egg in the Everfree Forest.  Things only go downhill from there.  My apologies if I killed off your favorite background character, I was mostly pulling names out of a hat.

        Part 1

        Part 2

        Part 3

        Part 4

        Part 5

        Part 6

        Part 7

        Part 8

        Part 9

Estrus (Google Docs)

[Funny/Saucy] Twilight doesn’t know the facts of life. You know, the birds and the bees. The reason you sometimes get that not so fresh feeling. We’re talkin’ about ruttin’. And who better to fill her in than her faithful friends? ...yeah, this is gonna get ugly.

Shipping

Correspondence (Google Docs/EqD Link)

[Funny/Cute] My first attempt at writing within the franchise.  Twilight Sparkle discovers that instantaneous communication with Princess Celestia can kind of suck when your assistant sends the wrong darn book...

Fluffershy (Google Docs/EqD Link)

[Funny/Saucy] The mane cast discovers Fluttershy’s dark, angsty past.  I have it on good authority that this is hilarious.  Not a clopfic, I promise.

Do You Really Want to Know? (Google Docs/EqD Link)

[Funny/Random/Saucy] Inspired by Friendship with Benefits is Magic, by Tumbleweed, but isn’t intended as a direct followup as much as my own take on the idea.  What is Celestia to do when Twilight Sparkle shares a little too much?  And why doesn’t Twilight have any idea what she’s talking about?  And why is Luna smiling so much!?

Do You Really Want to Know Two: Electric Boogaloo (Google Docs)

[Funny/Random/Saucy/WTF] I was trying to finish the next part of The Creature that Came All Over Ponyville and for reasons that I have not yet been able to determine I felt the irresistible urge to produce a second epistolary fanfic featuring Twilight and Celestia and the magic of not knowing what the hay that other pony is talking about.  Features a special guest appearance by naughty!Luna.

Progress Side Story: Luna vs the Threesome (Google Docs/EqD Link)

[Funny/Saucy] So a few months ago I got a PM on Fanfiction.net from a guy named Andrew Joshua Talon.  “Hey,” I said to myself, “that sounds familiar.  Oh hey, he writes THE BEST LUNA FANFICTION EVER.”

You will imagine my barely restrained glee when he tells me that he enjoys my work as well, and that he thinks my style is just perfect for a side project he’s been considering but didn’t feel like doing himself.  Imagine a bearded and bespectacled brony hopping around in a circle squealing “Yes yes yes yes yes!”  That is more or less what transpired.

Told that the subject of Hoyden’s wish for a threesome deserved to be fully explored and given free reign to do so, I did the best I could.  Imagine AJT’s body of work as a young mare spread out before me, blushing and exposed as my untrained hooves wander clumsily over her supple curves.  What I have done to the situation and the characters is probably illegal in several states, and the results speak for themselves.  I apologize in advance if this story inflicts any damage upon your psyche.  If you were to hurt yourself with uncontrollable laughter instead, then I am still sorry, but not quite as much.  That is the preferred reaction.

Future Projects

I’m planning some additional long form fics about the ponies and their various increasingly weird adventures, but I find it’s best not to count your cockatrices before they’ve hatched, so we’ll see how much of that I actually do before I go into detail.  I’d like to do more shipping, possibly involving a sequel to Correspondence.  This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Oh God What

"I stand by my decision," said Optimus Prime, "Though Equestria contains vast and rich deposits of Energon, enough to fund the Autobot war effort against the Decepticons for years to come, I cannot allow this peaceful world to be plundered in order to fuel our war marchine.  Freedom is the right of all sentient beings, including ponies."

"Neigh Optimus," said Princess Celestia, "I cannot allow the scourge of Megatron's crazed zombie robots to spread across the galaxy when I can do something to help.  My army and all of my power are at your disposal.  We will win this battle together."

"This is so awesome!" squealed Raf, riding around on Rainbow Dash.

"La~ame!" groused Miko.  "Why would we wanna hang out with a bunch of multicolored ponies when we've got big awesome robots!?"

"I dunno," said Bulkhead, very gently patting Fluttershy on the head, "I think they're kinda cute.  What do you think Jack?"

"I wasn't staring at their pony asses!"

Arcee gave Jack a look that would freeze magma.

"...I was too busy staring at Arcee's robot ass."

"That's my boy."